"The Ill-witted Gentleman"
By David Enicks
"Yeh, we get around," Brian muttered,
glaring at the cop rifling through the various trinkets, books, and other
strange ornaments on Brians bookshelf.
"That's
nice, Brian. You know, I really like you. I hope we can make this nice and
easy," said the cop. "That is, so long as you don't have anything to
hide." The cop turned his head slightly and eyed Brian.
"Nope,
nuttin' I aware of," Brian said. The cop turned back to the bookshelf.
Brian gripped a switchblade in his pocket and continued glaring at the cop.
"You
sure?" The cop said.
"Positive."
"You
see, we've heard some complaints about loud noises, foul smells, and otherwise
suspicious activity. This is all centered around your house, Brian, and-"
"I
ain't smell nothin."
"-and
we take very serious concern to this, Brian, because we care about you. Now get
this, Brian: we did a little research and found out that the file for 'Brian
McClellan' didn't exist until around ten years ago. How old are you?"
"Twenny-sevuh,"
Brian said.
"The
file says 31." Brian gulped.
"Das
what I meant." The cop breathed loudly.
"Ever
hear the name Edward Cello?" He said.
"Can't
say I have." Brians eyebrows came closer together.
"He
was a famous criminal. Also known as 'The Gentleman'?"
"Aw,
yeh, I know, I know."
"You
see, this guy- real dummy- was a criminal at only age seventeen. Real queer
kid. He had this obsession with strange, eccentric items. Kind of like what you
have here, Brian."
"Yeh."
Brian pulled the switchblade from his pocket and held it behind him.
"What?
"I
said yeah."
"Well
anyway, the guy- like I said, an idiot-
ended up giving away where he lived by- get this- calling one of our snitches
from his home phone. How dumb is
that, huh?" The cop turned around and smiled.
"I
guess he couldn't have known. Oney seventeen, I think that kid was pretty
smart, to get so famous, you know?"
"Yeah,
seventeen," the cop said. "Well, anyway, stupid kid disappeared ten
years ago when he realized what he'd done."
"Stop
callin' him stupid," Brian said.
"He
was a teenage criminal," the cop said.
"He
was gifted! Nobody understands, is all."
"What
do you mean?"
"The
cops are the ones that can't catch a goddamn seventeen year old. Either he's a
genius or the cops are dumbasses."
"You
have a problem?" the cop said. His face said that whether or not he did it
didn't matter. Brian began to sweat. Did the cop know? He opened the blade.
"Naw,
naw, it's just... childhood memories, you know? I guess I feel for him.
Whatever happen'd tuh the guy?"
"We
think we found him. We can't be sure, though."
"
Yeah, ne'er can be, these days," Brian said.
"So
you remember the guy?" the cop asked.
"Yeh,
yeh. Genius."
"I
don't know, it seems like he's just making the same mistakes over and over
again."
"Maybe
he wants you to find him." Brian said.
"That's
a curious way to look at it. What makes you say that?" Now the cop was
sweating.
"I
don't think a guy that smart would let you find him unless he wanted to be
found."
"You
sound different."
"I'm
smarter than people think, David Strey."
"How
do you know my name?" the cop said. Brian smiled. "Ha ha, well it's
been nice talking to you Edwa- I mean Brian, it really has, I see nothing wrong
here, we're all good, isn't that right?"
"Sure
is, Dave. Bye." The cop walked through the porch and climbed into his
little black car. He reached for the ignition. He stopped and looked back at
the house. Brian stood at the window, watching and grinning. He waved. David
grimaced in fear and again gripped the key. Brian's smile grew wider. David
clenched his eyes, and when he turned the keys...
Bang! The car rumbled to life. David
gasped for breath. Brian was laughing through the window. And for the first
time in a long time, David was scared. He did not know who he was dealing with.
He started for the station.
He
grabbed his walkie-talkie. Man, they are
gonna shit themselves when they hear this, he thought. He was gripping the
wheel so hard that his knuckles were white. He was driving past the speed
limit. "Hey, Strey reporting back from Brian McClellan's place," he
said into the radio.
"Gotcha
Dave, what's up?"
"He's
our guy. Hold on, I'm about to pull in to the lot-" Dave pulled into the
department. Another officer approached his window.
"He's
our guy? Really?" the officer said.
"Yeah,
man, you guys are gonna' s*** yourselves when I tell you what just
happen-"
The
car exploded.